What’s Snots

Written By Sean Conroy

The ‘What’s Snots’ Transcript

Arguably the greatest four-minutes of Irish TV involves two children, two puppets and one TV host trying to keep it all together. It’s hilarious from start to finish, endlessly meme-able and it’s the reason that the ‘Whats’ Snots’ enamel pin exists.

People present:

  • Francis Boylan

  • Snotser

  • Dustin

  • Amy

  • Kevin (from Galway)

The Transcript:

Francis: We’re playing ‘What’s Snots’ and Amy, you come up first to ask Snotser a question

Amy: Em, is it a person?

Snotster: No, it’s not a person, Amy!

Francis: Back to Kevin, in County Galway

Kevin: Eh….

Francis: (Laughing) Kevin? …Would you like to ask a question? To Snots?

Kevin: Where’d you get your shades?

Snotser: Where’d I get me shades?! …Well, I got them off this chap called Bono, whose really cool in a band called U2, Kevin. 

Dustin: Hold on, hold on, I don’t think that’s sort of… you can ask a question Kevin. 

Francis: Kevin! You can ask - It can be a person, place, thing or object. What wo- what would you li-and it can be yes or no. 

Kevin: Say - wha - say that again?

Francis: (Laughs into chest) …It can be a person, place …thing or object and you can ask him a question. Eh, if you’d like to ask him a question.

Snotser: To try and guess which one I am. So Kevin, would you like to ask me another question?

Kevin: (long pause) Ehhhh…(another long pause) Where’d you get your hairstyle?

Snotser: Well.  I got it in this place called Mark Peters, but Kevin, I..

Dustin & Francis: I think we’ll have to go back to Amy!

Francis: Back to Amy Shiels in County Cavan! Hello Amy.

Amy: Is is an object?

Snotser: Yes!

Francis: Would you like to ask another question?

Amy: iiiis it? …does it cut anything?

Snotser: Does it do what, Amy?

Amy: Does it CUT?

Francis: Cut? No, it wouldn’t cut anything. 

Snotser: No, it wouldn’t cut anything, good question all the same!

Francis: Back to Kevin in County Galway! Kevin would you like a (trails of trying to stifle a laugh)

Kevin: Ehhm. Where - where - …wait one minute, I just have to do something. 

Snotser: Well Kevin, you take your time. It’s only Live National television. So don’t worry about it, nyeeeehhh. Did you think of another question for me?

Francis: Ahm, Kevin have you no (giggles)

Kevin: Hello?

Snotser: Kevin, I’ll tell you what - (pause) - we’ll go back to Amy. You think of another question. 

Francis: Hello Amy. 

Amy: HELLOCOULDYOUWRITEONIT?

Snotser: Could you write on it? No, you couldn’t write on it.

Francis: (exasperated) Kevin, Kevin - no Kevin in (voice wobbles) county ehhhhh - Galway

Kevin: Eh, I can’t really hear yeh on the phone. 

Francis: Kevin, we’re playing ‘What’s Snots’ (Laughs out loud)

Snotser: Yeh, it’s a quiz we do every Thursday

Francis: It can be a person, place, animal or object - and Kevin would you - would you like to ask a question to Snotser? Like a - Like ‘are you a cow’, or something?

Kevin: (pause) eh. …Are you a sheep?

Francis: (audibly laughs into mic)

Snotser (very high pitched) RIGHT! Not a bad question, no I am not a sheep. I’m going to speed things up and say that I am a ting. I’m a ting, I’mmatingimmatingimmating. 

Dustin: Right, we did it bono, back to you, Amy. 

Amy (No response)

Dustin: Right, I’ll give you a hint Amy, right?

Amy: What?

Dustin: It’s something that you …could have a stairs.  It mightn’t. Some of them do and some of them don’t.

Amy: Sorry, could you say that again?

Dustin: (Quickly) It could have a stairs. Some of them do and some of them don’t. 

Amy: Ehhhm

Francis: (stifling a laugh) I apologies, I do (laughs)

Amy: Ehhhhmmm. em, is it… em… do ye go upstairs?

Snotser: You COULD go up stairs in this ting Amy and if you’d like to ask me another question, you’d be more than welcome.

Dustin: So, that’s a yes, then. Another question, Amy?

Amy: Ehm?

Francis: (audibly giggles)

Amy: Could ye go up to the ceiling?

Dustin & Snotser: Yes, you could. You’re dead right.

Franics: It could go up to the ceiling, yeah.

Amy: …is it a ladder that you go up to the ceiling with?


Snotser: no, no, no it’s not, no, no, no

Dustin: back to Kevin in Galway

Snotser: It rhymes with mouse, it rhymes with mouse.

Kevin: Eh

Snotser: It’s an object!

Kevin: …ehhhhh. Car?

Dustin: No. It’s back over to Amy.

Snotser: Amy! There’s a saying, right, that you could be as safe aaaas…

Francis: Safe as? You could be as safe as a ‘ha-’,

Amy: …Safe as?

Francis: A ‘ha-’ a ‘ha-’

Snotser: Rhymes with mouses

Amy: SAFE AS A HATTER!

Snotser: (slowly, in disbelief) as safe as a hatter.

Francis: What we’ll do is BOTH of ye win a bike.


Sean Conroy
'The Future of Photography in Ireland' - Ryan Tubridy, 2fm, 2011. 'Absolutely Amazing work - Second only to me in terms of photographers' - Tom Reynolds, The Complete Guide To Everything. ......................................................................................................................................................... Sean Conroy is a Dublin based Concert and Portrait Photographer whose work has been featured in State Magazine, Hot Press, The Irish Times, The Journal, Goldenplec, The Sun, The Irish Independent, Wasted! Magazine, 2fm.ie, The Evening Herald, AU Magazine and The Irish Examiner, amongst many others. He is available for commercial work - and is particularly interested in working with unsigned, Dublin bands. ......................................................................................................................................................... Awards 2012 *Winner - Hot Press HTC Photojournalist 2011 *3rd - NME Photography Awards *Finalist - Hot Press Undergrowth Photography Exhibitions 2011 *Belfast Music Week *Hard Working Class Heroes *State.ie Photography Exhibition In 2011, Sean was also selected to have one of his images put on permanent display at the Olympia Theatre Dublin. 2010 *State.ie Photography Exhibition ......................................................................................................................................................... If you have any enquiries about arranging a shoot, my rates or availability, or if you wish to purchase any of the prints you see on my site, please get in touch via the contact section of my website. I offer special deals for local and unsigned bands/artists (within the Dublin area). ......................................................................................................................................................... So remember, if you need a music or portrait photographer in Dublin - look no further. I'm deadl.ie.
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