Arguably the greatest four-minutes of Irish TV involves two children, two puppets and one TV host trying to keep it all together. It’s hilarious from start to finish, endlessly meme-able and it’s the reason that the What's Snots pin exists.

The ‘What’s Snots’ Transcript

Below is a direct transscript created by me of the scene. 

 

People present:

• Francis Boylan

• Snotser

• Dustin

• Amy

• Kevin (from Galway)

The Transcript:

Francis: We’re playing ‘What’s Snots’ and Amy, you come up first to ask Snotser a question

Amy: Em, is it a person?

Snotster: No, it’s not a person, Amy!

Francis: Back to Kevin, in County Galway

Kevin: Eh….

Francis: (Laughing) Kevin? …Would you like to ask a question? To Snots?

Kevin: Where’d you get your shades?

Snotser: Where’d I get me shades?! …Well, I got them off this chap called Bono, whose really cool in a band called U2, Kevin. 

Dustin: Hold on, hold on, I don’t think that’s sort of… you can ask a question Kevin. 

Francis: Kevin! You can ask - It can be a person, place, thing or object. What wo- what would you li-and it can be yes or no. 

Kevin: Say - wha - say that again?

Francis: (Laughs into chest) …It can be a person, place …thing or object and you can ask him a question. Eh, if you’d like to ask him a question.

Snotser: To try and guess which one I am. So Kevin, would you like to ask me another question?

Kevin: (long pause) Ehhhh…(another long pause) Where’d you get your hairstyle?

Snotser: Well.  I got it in this place called Mark Peters, but Kevin, I..

Dustin & Francis: I think we’ll have to go back to Amy!

Francis: Back to Amy Shiels in County Cavan! Hello Amy.

Amy: Is is an object?

Snotser: Yes!

Francis: Would you like to ask another question?

Amy: iiiis it? …does it cut anything?

Snotser: Does it do what, Amy?

Amy: Does it CUT?

Francis: Cut? No, it wouldn’t cut anything. 

Snotser: No, it wouldn’t cut anything, good question all the same!

Francis: Back to Kevin in County Galway! Kevin would you like a (trails of trying to stifle a laugh)

Kevin: Ehhm. Where - where - …wait one minute, I just have to do something. 

Snotser: Well Kevin, you take your time. It’s only Live National television. So don’t worry about it, nyeeeehhh. Did you think of another question for me?

Francis: Ahm, Kevin have you no (giggles)

Kevin: Hello?

Snotser: Kevin, I’ll tell you what - (pause) - we’ll go back to Amy. You think of another question. 

Francis: Hello Amy. 

Amy: HELLOCOULDYOUWRITEONIT?

Snotser: Could you write on it? No, you couldn’t write on it.

Francis: (exasperated) Kevin, Kevin - no Kevin in (voice wobbles) county ehhhhh - Galway

Kevin: Eh, I can’t really hear yeh on the phone. 

Francis: Kevin, we’re playing ‘What’s Snots’ (Laughs out loud)

Snotser: Yeh, it’s a quiz we do every Thursday

Francis: It can be a person, place, animal or object - and Kevin would you - would you like to ask a question to Snotser? Like a - Like ‘are you a cow’, or something?

Kevin: (pause) eh. …Are you a sheep?

Francis: (audibly laughs into mic)

Snotser (very high pitched) RIGHT! Not a bad question, no I am not a sheep. I’m going to speed things up and say that I am a ting. I’m a ting, I’mmatingimmatingimmating. 

Dustin: Right, we did it bono, back to you, Amy. 

Amy (No response)

Dustin: Right, I’ll give you a hint Amy, right?

Amy: What?

Dustin: It’s something that you …could have a stairs.  It mightn’t. Some of them do and some of them don’t.

Amy: Sorry, could you say that again?

Dustin: (Quickly) It could have a stairs. Some of them do and some of them don’t. 

Amy: Ehhhm

Francis: (stifling a laugh) I apologies, I do (laughs)

Amy: Ehhhhmmm. em, is it… em… do ye go upstairs?

Snotser: You COULD go up stairs in this ting Amy and if you’d like to ask me another question, you’d be more than welcome.

Dustin: So, that’s a yes, then. Another question, Amy?

Amy: Ehm?

Francis: (audibly giggles)

Amy: Could ye go up to the ceiling?

Dustin & Snotser: Yes, you could. You’re dead right.

Franics: It could go up to the ceiling, yeah.

Amy: …is it a ladder that you go up to the ceiling with?

Snotser: no, no, no it’s not, no, no, no

Dustin: back to Kevin in Galway

Snotser: It rhymes with mouse, it rhymes with mouse.

Kevin: Eh

Snotser: It’s an object!

Kevin: …ehhhhh. Car?

Dustin: No. It’s back over to Amy.

Snotser: Amy! There’s a saying, right, that you could be as safe aaaas…

Francis: Safe as? You could be as safe as a ‘ha-’,

Amy: …Safe as?

Francis: A ‘ha-’ a ‘ha-’

Snotser: Rhymes with mouses

Amy: SAFE AS A HATTER!

Snotser: (slowly, in disbelief) as safe as a hatter.

Francis: What we’ll do is, BOTH of ye win a bike.